For however long I can remember, she never told me a thing. It was always I have planned, or I am doing, never what do you want or how can we do this together. She’s never cared. It’s all about her. Never once has it been about us. It doesn’t have to be about me or for me, but at least us. She makes so many mistakes, and then she thinks shes does nothing wrong. Everything she does is apparently perfect. Whenever there is an argument, it’s all about what you did or how you did wrong, it’s always blamed on me. She yells, I try my hardest to stay calm. Five minutes later, shes denying she ever made a sound. She also tries her hardest to make her life seem so perfect to everyone else around her. We argue, then we step out of the car, and then she’s perfectly fine, nothing happened, and looks like she’s not mad at me anymore either. She can be completely fake at any moment of potential embarrassment. Her excuse to anytime I say that she was acting rudely, is that she never acts like that, she is the most liked person of all her friends, and everybody likes her. Then I put in how she treats me is obviously different then the way she treats her friends. And again, she denies it with all her might.
The first time she ever really hurt me, caught me completely off guard. I couldn’t tell how to feel or what to feel. Happy for her, sad for me, sad for other people involved, mad at him, mad at everybody! She never even told me, I found out by seeing the ring on her finger and then, like it was no big deal, she told me that everything was about to change, and she’s leaving. What do you say to that? She’s gone now, and I want nothing to do to her. I’m so confused of how or what I’m feeling; do I hate her, what she did, or the whole situation? Whatever the feeling was, I took it out on her. I didn’t care how she felt, I just wanted all of it to disappear, and if that meant her too, then so be it. So that’s what I did. A phone call, a card, a letter, a visit even was all ignored. I would often play a game with myself of how long I could go with out talking to her. It became normal to ignore her. Then she decides she doesn’t like the situation between us and the only way to solve it is through a professional. According to whom, I have some serious problems with her leaving. At first I hated it, and wouldn’t even speak to the man. Then it became kind of fun and sometimes see how angry I could make myself get, and see what his reaction would be, just so he could tell her and maker her even more worried. I didn’t know when or if I wanted to apologize. Eventually, I did and still do, but when I think back to all she did; moving us from one place to another every six months, having a new boyfriend every time we moved, moving us in with one boyfriend with out telling me about anything that has to do with their relationship, hiding relationships, becoming frustrated with a child for crying when she cut her chin open, getting involved with the wrong man and having a relationship with him without telling me, getting engaged to the wrong man and again not telling me, moving away, introducing me to the future sibling days before the wedding, and then making me be adult when the wrong man does the wrong thing and crying on my shoulder about it at the age of nine.
Whenever we do get into an argument now, I always return to what she did, and want to get back at her for all of it, no matter what. I know I should let it go, but I just cant. I feel like she should feel what I did, and every time I try, I just cant seem to stay angry at her; she is really the way she is, and for that I feel sorry for her.
So many people say how much alike we are, and although in some ways I love hearing that. I hope to never make the mistakes she made, and learn from the ones she did.
